A mother and daughter’s coming out message
By Steph Hirsch
When I came out as gay at 15 years old, I was lucky to have supportive parents who accepted me for who I was and who I wanted to become. Having this support is not always the case for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) youth in America today.
The Center for Disease and Control and Prevention’s 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Survey estimates that 1.3 million high school students between the ages of 13-18 identify as LGBTQ, including girls who identify as lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. The survey also found that LGBTQ youth are twice as likely to be bullied at school or cyber-bullied leading to higher rates of suicide and low academic performances. The Human Rights Campaign’s 2018 LGBTQ Youth Report notes that only 25 percent of parents are supportive allies for their child. Family conflict is the primary reason why LGBTQ youth in America experience homelessness 120 percent more often than the general youth population.
Knowing how hard it can be for LGBTQ youth has made me grateful for the support I did receive growing up. I want to be clear to our readers how lucky I am to have parents who accepted me at such a young age and the difference it made. I recognize my mother, Susan Hirsch, was a crucial piece in my development. Her unconditional love and encouragement afforded me the freedom to live my truest life.
This Q&A article is about my mother’s journey to accepting me in my coming out process, and her message to parents experiencing their child coming out as gay for the first time.
What were your initial thoughts around the LGBTQ community before you knew I was gay?
Susan: I have always had a gay-identifying person in my life, whether it was an extended family member or a coworker. In the 1970s, I used to work as a fashion buyer in New York City and had coworkers who taught me about the LGBTQ community and gay culture. I embraced the fun times I had with my gay coworkers but also learned through their perspective how hard it was to be socially accepted. Although being gay was an unpopular opinion at the time, I have always, in some way, supported the LGBTQ community.
Before my coming out, did you notice signs that I may have been struggling with my sexual identity?
Susan: I always had a feeling you might be gay. When you were seven months old, I would clothe you in pretty little dresses and skirts. It was obvious that you were uncomfortable because you would immediately try to take these outfits off. Then I started dressing you in little overalls or onesies, and you were much happier, and honestly looked cuter. This trend followed as you got older. You would often ask me if you could shop in the boy’s department for clothes, and I welcomed that. If you felt better wearing masculine-presenting clothes, I was all for it. I just wanted you to be happy.
What was it like for you to process my sexuality as a parent who never had an immediate family member come out as gay?
Susan: It was initially a shock because my suspicions about you being gay became my reality. I was worried because I did not want you to struggle for acceptance like so many LGBTQ youth face every day. However, your father and I stood by you. We wanted you to feel supported and safe because we knew the world outside of our home would not always be so accepting. That truly was my number one concern throughout this process as a parent.
How did you cope with the image of who you wanted me to be as your daughter versus the person I was becoming?
Susan: Having aspirational thoughts of your children one day getting married or having children of their own is something every parent hopes and dreams about. It was always my dream to see my kids have a marriage like mine and my husband’s. So when you came out, I would often cry because I did not know how to deal with this new reality.
I confided in your father because there were parts of me that were heartbroken. Not because you were gay, but because what I wanted for you and who you were becoming were two different people. I just had to accept that my dream was not your life. I threw the person I imagined you being out the window, and I began to love and accept this other person who has always been my child.
What was the turning point in your acceptance of me? How did you come to that place of acceptance?
Susan: When I saw how happy you were and that you were able to find friends who could relate to you, I began not only to accept you but embrace you and the LGBTQ community even more so than I did before. You taught me about the differences between gender and sexuality, what preferred pronouns are, and you continue to teach me about LGBTQ culture every day.
When did you decide it was time to tell other extended family members, how did you do it?
Susan: We decided together as a family that when you were ready to tell others, we would tell our extended family. I felt that it was your business to share, and as a parent did not want to dictate who knew and who did not know.
Since my coming out in high school, how has our relationship changed?
Susan: I do not think anything has changed except that you have shorter hair! I do not feel you are different from me, but rather that you are a part of me and will always be a part of me. I look at the person you have become and say, “Steph is my beautiful daughter, who I love, and I am proud of every day.”
What has been the best part of our relationship since my coming out, and why?
Susan: The best part is you are now open and honest with me, and our family gets to be a part of the life you want to live. I recognize not every mother and daughter relationship is as open and supportive as ours is. I hope for other parents experiencing their child coming out for the first time that they see their child for who they fully are and not for who they want them to be.
What advice would you have for other parents who may see signs of their child struggling with their sexuality and how they can best support their child during this process?
Susan: As a parent, take yourself and your expectations out of the equation and give your child the support they need to be safe and healthy. Do not take out your personal feelings on your child if you cannot be honest with them. It’s a learning process, and if you need to talk to someone about it, whether it’s a therapist, family support group, or doctor- do it. As parents, we should embrace and accept our children for who they are, even if it takes time to get there.
Resources
If you or your child needs resources or support during the coming out process, please visit the Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG) website. PFLAG offers a coming out guide for parents and youth, as well as articles on how to best support you and your child during the coming out process.
If you believe your child could be struggling with their gender or sexual identity, please visit The Trevor Project’s Trevor Support Center to find ways to begin a conversation and connect with your child.
LGBTQ youth experiencing suicidal thoughts are also encouraged to call The Trevor Project's 24-hour, anonymous, toll-free crisis line at 1-866-488-7386 or chat with a counselor directly online via TrevorChat. Youth can also connect with other peers for support and advice at https://www.trevorspace.org/.
This interview has been edited and redacted before publication.